Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: All BtVS characters belong to the Mighty Joss Whedon.
Feedback: Hit me (love tap!)
Distribution: Hell yeah, just lemme know.
Dedication: For Elyssa Du Chevalier...my clever web monkey and tasty English love muffin. Thank you for being the patient saint *cough cough* that you are. And remember...In Fide Deo, In Deo Fide. I love you...xoxo, your bear.
Summary: Myopia Mini-series. Continuation of Blind Spot, from Faith's POV. Without communication, misunderstandings run rampant. See how our Slayers succumb to such silliness. Kind of angsty.

-Oralfxatn

Hindsight

FAITH'S POV:

Head fuck.

Mind fuck, mother fuck, what the fuck, who gives a fuck...Cluster fuck.

That's what it is.

A fucking gigantic cluster fuck.

'I just wanna talk, Faith, I swear.'

Riiight. I should have known better.

But I fell for it anyway.

Okay, to be honest, I expected as much...hoped as much, wanted as much...

...yeah, okay, you could even say I had 'faith' in it.

Because it's our pattern, you see. And I don't mean a Butterick pattern like when you make your own clothes or a holding pattern like when you're stuck on a plane.

Although it does kinda feel like it.

Like we've been circling for months, waiting for a good time to land...which never seems to happen, by the way.

Unless this time it really is different.

Which is possible, I guess, but I've got my doubts.

Buffy did say some things that she never has before. Like admitting to her jealousies and her paranoia...admitting to not trusting me.

I already knew all of that, of course, but she didn't. She really thought she was right.

And part of her still does.

But the real truth is that she loves me and it fuckin freaks her out.

I mean, sure...I get it.

It freaked me out, too. Me lovin her, I mean. And yeah, her lovin me.

See, we all know what I'm about...who I am, what I'm capable of.

I'm that psycho bitch that likes to play with sharp objects and get into your pants.

And sometimes combining the two. Well, not so much now, but I used to.

Before Buffy, of course...before Buffy.

We started out pretty normal, I guess. I mean, I've never been in a relationship before, so I didn't have a lot to go on. But then we're both Slayers too, so I thought maybe things were different for us. I mean, most things usually are.

But then Cordy pointed out to me that it wasn't normal, that it wasn't 'healthy' by any means. Not that Cordy claimed to be an expert on these things, but she knew more than I did.

"She's the psycho one, Faith, not you. You're better off without her." she had said to me once.

Well, actually many times...yeah, pretty much all the time.

But then she'd see the look on my face and she'd try to soften the blow.

"But you're both freaks of nature, Faith, so maybe this is as good as it gets."

Fuckin Cordy. Good thing she's not a Slayer cus that girl never pulls her punches.

So Buffy and I started out 'normal'. And when we were still sneakin around, she really let loose. She'd come over for some 'community service' and make my head spin.

I'd teach her stuff and she'd learn them. Learned them pretty quick, too.

She was like a baby dyke just waitin for an opportunity. And she had them, boy, she had plenty of them. Every night after slaying and then with our nooners at the 'Y'.

Which was her idea, by the way.

I was just happy to have her in my bed every night. Afternoons never really crossed my mind.

Okay okay, it did, it crossed my mind a lot, but I never thought she'd feel the same way. I mean, Buffy having sex in the middle of the day when it's still light outside?

But my room is like a cave, so I guess that's why it made sense.

Well, none of this makes sense, but you know.

She was good at first. Gettin into our sex sessions like she was practicing for the Olympics.

And she was goin for the Gold, boy, lemme tell you.

But then things got kinda funky and she'd start covering her eyes with her arms.

I knew there were tons of stuff happenin to her well structured life, but after our first time together, I thought she got over it.

That first time was really fuckin wicked...I mean, red-hot wicked. But afterwards, when I looked up at her, she looked pretty much freaked.

"What?" I asked her.

"Nothing." she replied.

I didn't know she'd be sayin it every time.

But I figured it was probably more than she bargained for that night, so I let it go. I mean, okay, it was a bit more intense than I had expected it to be. I never thought she'd even agree to come over in the first place, so when she did, I figured it would probably be your typical one-timer.

So then I got a little carried away.

I held back at first, just cuz I wanted to remember what she looked like and felt like and sounded like, so I took it real slow.

But then she said she wanted more, and fuck, who was I to argue?

Buffy Summers, The Chosen One, wanted more and she wanted me to give it to her.

So after she left that night, I got into the head space that it was all good, it was copacetic, and that I had more that night than I did the night before.

When you're basically raised in the streets you learn to cut your losses and go.

So when she came back the next night, imagine my surprise.

"Community service, m'am." she said, with a serious face and a cute little salute.

Yeah, I was pretty much a gonner after that.

And we started doin it every night and then after a few weeks, we started at the 'Y'.

Yeah, I know I can be a little crude at times, but admit it...it's part of my roguish charm.

Anyway, we were at a meeting and she ran her fingernails slowly up my thigh.

I was sittin next to her at the table and she already had her leg pressed against mine. But when I felt her nails on my thigh I damn near jumped outta my seat.

Whooa, I thought. She wants me...she wants me bad.

Cordy had looked at me with her eyebrow raised, but I cut my eyes at her and then she looked away. Cordy catches everything, not like the rest of the Scoobs.

Unless they were just too polite to make mention, which is probably more like it.

Cus we slayed like two frenzied freaks at night trying to hurry things along. It was just a matter of time before someone noticed.

Anyway, Buffy had suggested that we all break for lunch and Giles 'concured'.

"Hmm, yes, Buffy, I concur. That's actually an excellent idea. In fact, take the rest of the day off and then prepare for patrol. I have a few grievances I need to sort out with The Council."

The first time ever that The Council did something for me and not against me.

I fuckin loved them that day.

So B eyeballed me, trying to send me her vibe, which was already crawlin all over me, I'll have you know.

And I guess all over Xander too, cus he said

"Man, I suddenly feel like diggin into something hot and spicy. Anyone up for fish tacos?"

"Ugh, gross Xander. From that Mexican stand by the docks? More like a cockroach taco if you ask me." Cordy had replied.

"Well, there ya go, Cordy. I wasn't asking you, I meant my friends."

"Whatever, Xander. Like you wouldn't give your left testicle to dig into my hot fish taco."

"No, maybe a finger or two, because I have ten, but I only have two of the family jewels."

"Well, your family jewels are definitely not heirlooms. More like some really bad paste at discount from an underworld fence."

"Paste? Fence? What are you talking about, Cordy? The last time I ate paste was in Mrs. Freeman's art class in the 8th grade. Isn't that right, Willow?"

Red just made that face that she does when she's thinkin

'Okie-dokie.'

"Eating paste? Well, that figures. But are you sure you don't mean sniffing glue? Because that would explain why there are so many brain cells missing. In fact-"

Giles cut Cordy off.

"-um, yes. Please, children, take your annoyingly juvenile grievances out into the play-yard. I have real grievances to take up with The Council."

Ahh, The Council, I thought. My new buddies.

Of course, one of the grievances could have been me.

But I really didn't care that day. I was gonna be eatin me some lunch at the 'Y'.

And for some of you slower folk out there, I don't mean the YMCA or the YWCA...

...I mean the 'Y' that your body makes when you've got your legs spread open.

Just wanna make sure we're all on the same page.

So we left Cordy and Xander bickering and went on over to my place.

We didn't even stop to get something to eat, cus, well...yunno.

We were about to have us a fur burger or two...the drippy kind that gets all over your face.

Fuckin Carl's Jr has the best slogans for their hamburger joints.

1) 'It's a size thing.'
2) 'Don't bother me, I'm eating.'

And my all time favorite

3) 'If it's not all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.'

A buncha pervs, if you ask me...they must not be marketing for the Happy Meal crowd.

So anyway, that's how our nooners started. It was B's idea.

In fact, all of it was B's idea.

Oh, don't get me wrong, it's not like I was a hostage in the situation.

But, come on. I'd been after her for months and she never took me up on it before.

I mean, why now? I mean, I knew it was gonna happen some day, but why now?

And after I saw the freaked-out look on her face, I kinda thought she was wondering the same thing.

Yeah, I probably shoulda stopped after that first time.

Seein her freaked shoulda warned me. But when she came over the next night, ready to go, it's kinda hard to say no, ya know?

So I went with my animal instincts. I'm still wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

And I keep hummin that fuckin song by The Offspring, too.

Where that guy is just so whipped up on his chick that he doesn't even care that she treats him like shit.

Talk about major self-esteem issues. Him, not me.

Well, okay...me too, I guess.

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
I practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
That's okay cause I've got no self-esteem

We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
This rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care

Right? Yeah.

Now I'll relate this little bit
Happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem

The loser's anthem. Self Esteem.

Or at least that's how I always saw it before. Until it applied to me, of course.

Because I'm not a loser...just a little whipped up and in love with a whack-job chick.

Some funny shit, really.

I mean, the irony alone should make you laugh. Me, psycho bitch of the century, in love with someone more fucked up than I am?

But I keep hangin in there...cus she could always snap out of it one day.

Because I see it sometimes. Like when we have these quiet, peaceful moments where everything feels just right.

But that's also the problem. Sometimes when everything feels just right is when she starts to wig out on me.

We get into this comfortable pattern, like we're a real couple...like we have sumpthin that's more than just sex together.

But then a couple of weeks later she starts to retreat...and that's when I know she's about to go MIA for a while.

See, that's why I started leavin in the afternoons. Because I wanted to give her some space, not crowd her so much, not make her have to think about it all the time...or about us.

I can deal with the afternoons, but nighttime pretty much sucks when I have to leave.

I love holdin her 'til she falls asleep. Well, I used to.

Seems around every two weeks or so she can't fall asleep. She's always awake and just starin at me with those green eyes.

It can be a little unnerving, yunno?

What is she thinkin? She thinkin about bailin? Gonna go missin again?

So that was one of the reasons I started bouncin for Willy. Those cat eyes just starin at me...

Well, that and the fact I wanted some real cash so I could start treatin my girl right.

I know she's not really into material things -as Cordy seems to think- but every girl likes to have nice things, right?

I mean, for the most part, B's got a decent collection of stuff. Average, nothing over-the-top.

Yunno, decent...even if it is pretty ho-hum and boring.

But Cordy has nice things and I wanted Buffy to have them too.

Cus that's what you do when you love somebody, right? Provide them with the things that they can't provide for themselves?

And as stupid as it sounds, I even started gettin her stuff before we got together.

I saw her walkin around that shop that Cordy always brags about, and she was holdin a small glass bottle in her hand. She was in there for a while, just pickin up stuff and then puttin 'em back, but she kept that bottle in her hand. Eventually, she put that back too. At first I thought it was perfume and I just knew I wouldn't be able to afford it...I mean, Cordy shops there, right?

But after Buffy bailed, I ducked inside anyway and saw it was a small bottle of fancy French bubble bath.

Still fuckin outrageous, but definitely more do-able than fancy French perfume.

So I got it for her.

But then later I found out she had been shoppin for Red's birthday, so then I wasn't sure if she was gonna get it for Red or for herself...

...well, then I just decided to keep it. I mean, fuck it. I deserve nice things too.

Okay, so not really for myself, it was still for her...but now she would have to join me in it.

Yeah, I know. You're probably thinkin

"What size is that ego of hers, exactly? Can her neck really support all that weight?"

Nah, it's not like that.

I just wanted to be prepared. I mean, this is the Hellmouth, for fuck's sake.

Strange things do happen here.

And besides, don't act like you've never done stuff like that.

Everybody does it. Well, people who are whipped anyway.

But, see, I already knew it was gonna happen someday...I just wasn't sure when.

What with B's track record with the male of the species, our Slayer Connection, and my hard-to-resist sexual charisma...I mean, come on.

You don't gotta be a math major to add it all up.

And yeah, okay...I do have a pretty strong neck.

But I still say it was all Buffy's idea.

I may have had a hand or two in helping her along with things, but it was still up to her.

Outside of just throwin her down and gettin naked with her, how much more obvious could I be?

I got with Xander, tried to sleep with Angel, and I did sleep with Riley...

...and I mean, I almost really did. Fall asleep on him.

But I forced myself to stay awake cus I wanted to see what Buffy saw in the Boy Scout. Musta been cus he was a Boy Scout.

Freaked me out, too. Cus if that's what she wanted, I never stood a chance.

Cuz I'm no Boy Scout.

Anyway, that was a long time ago.

And as time has proven, the Boy Scout thing lost its appeal for Buffy too.

Oh, and check this out.

You know that Red's a dyke, right?

I mean, I spotted it right off when I met that blonde honey of hers.

Buffy's tellin me that Red's all curious about 'The Joy of Lesbian Sex' cuz she's tryin to figure out the attraction, but I bet Red just wanted to learn a few things for herself... I mean, there's a lot more to lesbian sex than just lickin pussy...a lot more. Plus I think she was curious about Buffy's attraction for me not the fact she's involved with the same sex.

Buffy can be incredibly shortsighted and dense that way. A bit slow on the up-take, if you will.

Just because it took her years to figure it out, didn't mean it was that way for Red.

Because they all knew. They all saw the way we trained together or danced at the Bronze...and how gussied up B got for our Homecoming date before Slayer Fest '98 mucked things up...or how willing B was to ditch her Chem class exam to come hang out with me.

When I remember the look on Red's face, I still crack up. 'Jealous of our friendship'...yeah, right. She was jealous that I'd be scorin me some serious Slayer pussy and gettin the goods before she did.

Which she never did, by the way. At least, I don't think so. But she's got Tara now, so that's no longer a factor.

And Buffy still seems a bit ambivalent to the fact that Tara and Red are more than friends. I mean, she's okay with it, of course, but she doesn't talk about it a great deal. I guess she didn't know how to broach the subject or was just used to talkin about guys with Red when they were both still doin dick.

Or maybe it's Buffy's turn to be jealous...

...naaah. She can't be into Red that way. They're just good friends. Real good friends. But...she did love the ring that Red got her...

Naaah.

Anyway, I bet it shocked the shit out of Red when Buffy finally started talkin to her about it. About time, I bet Red thought.

About fucking time.

And I gotta hand it to Red. Comin out like that, with no real support system except for Tara and a few straight friends.

But I think Red already saw the potential in B, so that's why it didn't shock her when she found out she was seein a woman.

That the woman was me...well, that's another story.

Tara pretty much forgave me, but then, she wasn't around for a lot of the fucked up things I did.

I mean, I never held a knife against her throat. But I did hold one up against her honey's, so when she gets a little off with me, I think she's remembering that story.

And there are a lot of stories to remember, lemme tell you.

Yeah, everyone's still got issues with me. Not that I can blame them. But besides all the residual bullshit that comes up from time to time, we've all tried to put it behind us.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

The only person who really accepts me for all that I am and all that I used to be is Cordy.

Having recently come back to Sunny D herself, she really didn't have anyone she could hang out with. I ran into her at the Espresso Pump one day and we were both shocked to see each other.

Well, she was shocked, I was pretty much just checkin her out.

Hmm. Where did this choice piece of ass come from, I wondered. Must be new in town or just visiting. I may have to pull out my 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sheets and make sure her stay is a pleasant one.

When my eyes finally made it to her face, my grin froze.

"Uh..."

"Hello, psycho. When you're done undressing me in your mind and fucking me, will you promise not to kill me?"

So after I promised -which she really made me do, by the way- we sat down and had coffee together. We caught up on each other's lives.

After she hightailed it to Hollywood and fell flat on her ass, she hooked up Angel.

But that didn't last too long.

Cordy liked life in the fast lane, but she was used to being a big fish in a small pond and she still acted that way. It started to get on Angel's nerves.

"Out." he told her, after a grueling few months.

"Excuse me?" she said, re-painting her nails and probably frowning. She said he made her smudge one.

"You heard me."

"But where shall I go?"

And he plopped down some envelopes on the desk and said

"Anywhere in the world, apparently, just not here."

They were financial statements from an offshore account that daddy had set up before he got busted.

And they were in Cordy's name. She was loaded.

So she traveled around for a bit and then came back here. Weird, huh?

But not really.

There's just sumpthin about Sunnydale that makes you come back.

Me, it was the Hellmouth. My Calling, yunno, the Slayer thing, and yeah...B.

And Cordy?

Well, besides bein a big fish in a small pond again, there was Xander.

Oh, I know she bitches about him all the time, but really, I know she still cares.

But she's got too much pride to admit it. He made a fool of her, you see, and that is almost as unforgivable as wearin white after Labor Day.

Oops. Sorry. That's 'the old money's way of looking at fashion, Faith. But I'm happily divorced from that crowd now, and proudly consider myself nouveau riche.'

Funny how Cordy is willin to embrace a crowd she once sneered at.

But I'm one to talk. Look at me.

Look at me and B.

If I embrace her any more, she'd think she was sleepin with an Anaconda.

Okay, not a good visual. Snakes and stuff...and big snakes at that.

I know he was evil, but fuck...I mean, other than that, the mayor was as wholesome as one could get.

Milk and miniature golf?

Riley and Wilkins would have hit it off big time.

Cus boring is its own evil, if you ask me.

Anyway, so Buffy tells me that she just wants to go back to mine and talk. And we did for a while. But then we were pretty much just bangin our brains out again.

So what else is new?

But before we got to that point, we figured we had to set a few things straight. A few 'misconceptions'.

I let her go first.

"Are you sleeping with Cordelia?" she asked me.

"No."

"Do you want to?"

"No."

"Did you want to?"

See? That's not fair, cus if I told her the truth she'd just use it against me, and if I lied she'd use that against me too.

"No." Okay, so I lied.

"Are you sleeping with anyone else, do you want to sleep with anyone else, and did you ever want to sleep with anyone else?"

"Uh...ever?"

"Okay, no, just since you've been with me."

Oh. See, then I wasn't lying about Cordelia.

"No."

So then we moved on to her.

"Are you sleepin with anyone else, do you want to sleep with anyone else, and did you ever want to sleep with anyone else?"

"Um..."

Yeah, great. I figured that. I knew she was only doin me 'til somebody better came along. And I figured I'd even let her until somebody actually did...

...but that sure as hell didn't mean I wanted to hear about it.

"Forget it, B. I really don't want to know the fuckin details."

"But it's important, Faith. I want us to talk. I don't think we'll ever fix anything if we keep avoiding it."

"Who's avoiding? I'm avoiding? I just answered all of your questions, didn't I?"

"Yes, and thank you. But, Faith, that's just the half of it...there's a lot more."

"No, Buffy, there's not. Not if we don't want there to be. You wanted to know if I slept with anyone else or if I wanted to and I told you no-"

"-and then you asked me the same thing, and-"

"-you told me. There, we're done. Like I said, I really don't want to know the details."

She saw the conversation had started to agitate me, so then she backed off. That's when I figured she was tryin to get back with me, cus she was tryin really hard not to upset me.

But the more I thought about it, the more it really was startin to upset me.

I started to pace.

"Buffy, why are you here? I mean, really? So your ego wanted to know if I slept with anyone else and now you know. But really, why should you care? It's not like we have anything. It's not like I mean anything to you, right? I mean, besides bangin our brains out and slayin, what else do we have in common? I'm crude, crass and vulgar, remember? I'm everything you're not and you hate it."

"No, you hate it."

"I used to, B, but now you do. You hate that I embarrass you in front of your friends and you hate that I have a reputation."

"You do not embarrass me in front of my friends, Faith."

"Oh, really? Well, Giles, then...and your mom. Fuck, you practically lived with me and you couldn't tell her. Makin up excuses for why you were with me all the time and for why you were doin my laundry. She's a grown woman, Buffy. You think she doesn't know what lube and candle wax looks like on bed sheets and how it got there?"

"Don't be so-"

"-crude, Faith. Yeah, I know."

"She's my mom, Faith. I don't mind my friends knowing about our sexual relationship, but my mother doesn't need to know."

"Oh, come on, Buffy. I'm a sexy mother-fucker and your mom knows it. You think she thinks we're a coupla Girl Scouts havin a slumber party? Give it a rest."

"She's my mom." she repeated stubbornly.

"Okay, fine. And speakin of your friends, how long did it take for you to tell them, exactly? Days? Weeks? No, it was months. And the only reason you did then was because you finally had to tell someone. You know that expression, B? You're only as sick as your secrets? Yeah, it was makin you sick, all right. Sick to your stomach. That's a real confidence booster, B, lemme tell you."

"Faith, it wasn't like that."

"Well, it sure looked like it. It felt like it too...if I'm such an ugly secret, Buffy, then why were you even with me?"

She had stared at me for a good long moment and then murmured sumpthin before lookin away.

"What? What did you say? I can't hear you, Buffy."

"I said...I said, I don't know." she murmured again, turnin her head back to look at me.

She didn't know??

I didn't want to hear that! And I couldn't believe I had just fuckin set myself up to hear it. See? This is why I never say anything! This is why it's easier just to ignore her weird behavior and not question anything...

Because if you're not prepared to deal with the fuckin answers, idiot, then you're better off not askin the fuckin question!

"Faith, stop it. Come here. You're putting a hole in the carpet and getting yourself all worked up."

Fuck her. She's not my girlfriend. She couldn't tell me what to do. It was my room so I paced even faster.

"Faith, stop it."

I ignored her. Of course my room wasn't really big enough to pace comfortably and I had about three good steps in front of me before I had to turn back around. It pretty much killed any dramatic point I was tryin to make. Fuck.

I watched Buffy from the corner of my eye as I continued to pace in front of the bed. Three steps, spin, three steps, spin...I looked like a giant tool, but I wasn't gonna let that stop me.

I still had a fuckin point to make...even if it was only to myself.

So I did this as she began to make herself comfortable. She fluffed up some pillows, stretched out her legs, cracked her knuckles and then leaned back against the headboard. I guess I looked like a target at a shooting gallery, cus she took out an imaginary rifle and started aiming at me.

"Ding...Ding...Ding..." she said, peering through make-believe crosshairs.

No matter how pissed off I am, the fuckin brat can always make me smile.

So I jumped on the bed and growled like a Grizzly, pawing at her shirt and makin her laugh...

...but inside I felt like a sitting duck.

Yeah...that's what I am. A sitting duck.

She can pretty much blow me out of the water with anything she does.

But, hey...what did you expect?

I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem.

"Where are you going, Faith?"

Buffy is standing in the bathroom doorway, towel drying her hair. She's got another one wrapped around her body.

I, on the other hand, am fully clothed and had one boot out the front door.

"Uh, just out, B."

" 'Out and about'? " she asks, sarcastically.

"Pretty much."

"I thought we talked about this?"

"Uh, no. You talked, I listened."

"Okay, fine, but are listening and hearing two different things now? Cus I coulda sworn I told you I hated it when you left me in the middle of the day."

"No, I heard you."

"But you're going out anyway?"

"Kinda looks that way, doesn't it?"

Okay, I know. Being shitty wasn't my goal, but makin her not feel crowded was. I'm goin back to the old pattern of leavin in the day so that it doesn't come to that. I know she says that's not the case, but I just don't believe her. She seems happy and content and I don't want to fuck that up.

I know what I'm doin.

She looks at me like she really can't believe what she's seeing. I raise an eyebrow. Yep, that's right, I'm leavin...what of it?

She looks annoyed for a moment and then she slowly begins to smile, lettin go of the towel and droppin it...

...I mean, like, both of 'em.

My eyes go wide. I'm so fuckin easy. I know we just had massive amounts of sex, but the girl just does sumpthin for me.

"It kinda does." she whispers, agreeing with me.

I borrow Red's resolve face and clear my throat. "Um, right. So I'll be back in a few, okay? Make yourself comfortable and I'll catch ya later if you're still here."

Yeah, you can do it. Just don't look at her body and you'll be good to go...good to go, Faith, good to go... yep, really good to go...

...but I just can't seem to do it.

I watch her as she climbs up onto the bed and stretches herself lazily. Her muscles are lean and taut and they flex as she stretches herself out on the mattress.

"Okay." she murmurs, lookin sideways at me.

Nope, not lookin at her body...not lookin at her body...she can't make me look at her body...hey, what's that? She's runnin her fingers down her body?

"Uh...whatcha doin, there, Buffy?" I mutter.

"Nuthin."

But she is. She's runnin her fingers over her nipples and she's tweakin 'em...and now she's runnin one hand to her snatch!

"It kinda looks like you are." I point out.

"It kinda does, doesn't it?" she whispers again, still agreeing with me.

I stand there open-mouthed as she pushes a finger inside herself. Her eyes start to close and then she shoves in another. Her eyes close completely now, and her face makes that sexy little grimace like when it's almost too much.

Almost. Because she's tight, but not that tight. I know she's doin it for my benefit. I love the look on her face when I'm crammin two fingers in her cunt...

"nnnhh..." she whimpers.

...and the little noises that come with it.

A door slams outside and I quickly shut the one to my room. Her eyes are open now and she just looks at me. No smile, no come-hither look...just that same little sexy grimace of pleasure as she starts to fuck herself slowly.

"You need a hand with that?" I offer, huskily.

"If you don't mind." she replies.

"Not at all."

I slide myself onto the bed and she spreads her legs apart so I can squeeze between them. I'm lookin at her fingers as she pulls them in and out of herself. In and out...in and out...movin those fingers in and out.

I move my head down so I can lick on her clit. After a few good strokes, I slip one of my fingers inside.

Now there's three goin in and out of her hole.

"Oh, baby..." she gasps. "That's too much...oh god."

"We'll just have to loosen you up a little. Give it a second..." I murmur, lappin back at her clit.

Yeah, I know my girl. I know what her body can take. She thrusts her hips up and gives a small groan.

"Oh, yeah...that's good, baby." I encourage her.

"nnngh." Scrunchin her face and concentratin hard.

"Baby, open up, don't clench...stop thinkin about it."

She finally does and her face relaxes into a soft smile. Her lips part and she begins to pant. I bury my face in her snatch.

"Not so fast, Faith...unnngh...slow down your tongue." And I do. So I get carried away sometimes.

But put yourself in my position...yeah, okay, see?

I lick her clit and fuck her pussy. After a few moments, she pulls her fingers out and I put in two more of mine. She moves her sticky fingers to my face and starts caressing my jaw. I remove my tongue from her clit and take them into my mouth.

I suck on them.

"Ohhh, baby...Faith." She loves the feel of my soft tongue on her digits. I suck on them and then lick between both fingers. She moves them to my hair and guides me back to her clit.

We pick up a steady rhythm...in and out, up and down...fingers and tongue, tongue and teeth...her hips matching my movements.

We dance well together between the sheets. Not so much at the Bronze...

But I'm workin on that. Cordy's been helpin me.

But I don't need any help in this department, so I reach up my free hand to play with a nipple.

But her hand is already there.

I put mine on top of hers and squeeze down on it, adding pressure and cupping her breast through her hand. She moves her hand away and I take over, massaging and palming, pinchin and pullin, rollin her nipple with my fingers...

I rub the tip.

"Oh, baby...yeah." she breathes, thrusting herself against my hand and mouth.

I finger her pussy, lick her clit and rub the tip of her nipple...she shouts at me.

"Oh god, Faith, fuck me!"

She starts thrusting faster and pulls my head to her cunt, smashin my face against it. I keep lickin her clit and fuckin her hole...I pull on her nipple, pinchin it softly until my fingers slide off of the tip.

"God yes." she moans. She throws her legs around my back and pushes against me, my fingers bangin deeply inside her.

I feel her spasm around my fingers and come...but she's not done.

"Oh, oh, don't stop, baby...keep going." she groans, her tight hole clenchin my knuckles.

She wants another one...a long one...a good one.

I can do that.

I twist my wrist and start turnin my fingers in her snatch, pumpin her hole as I suck on her clit.

She likes that. But just for a second, otherwise it's too much.

"Uhhhhh." And I'm back lickin again, lappin her clit, my saliva makin it slicker. I pull my fingers out and grab onto her hips, stilling my tongue as she slides herself against it.

It's all her, now.

She knows what she needs.

She grinds into my mouth for a moment, then pulls her pussy back, movin her hips up and down. She gets a steady momentum goin, but it doesn't take long. She grabs the back of my skull and rides my face gently, coming again, and bringin herself down in waves.

I move my hands to her ass to assist her, holding her firmly until she stops all movement.

Her body relaxes and she lies limp. She sighs at me, content.

"Weren't you going somewhere?" she finally murmurs.

"Nuthin that can't wait." I murmur back, kissin her thigh.

"Mmmm...thought so." And she pulls me up by the hair and starts kissin me.

"Urgent...Urgent...Emergency."

Buffy. Buffy bein all cute and nostalgic.

I rewind the machine and listen to it again...and again...

And yeah...again.

And then I sigh. For a couple of reasons, really.

First, because it brought back memories of when things were still good with us. When we were both still in the same headspace and would cut it up at the Bronze; laughin and dancin and gettin sweaty as hell...before she said I moved like a major spaziod and started bitchin about her toes. And second, it was right before this 'love' thing fucked us both in the ass.

Like, hard.

Cus I don't feel that way anymore. I want more than just sex with her now. Don't get me wrong, the sex is hard-core, but what I really want is her.

She had dragged me into the club one night when they were havin an 80's cover band, convincing me that Heavy Metal was on their play-list and not any of that other shit.

I told her if I even heard the beginning of "I Think We're Alone Now" by some wannabe Tiffany mall-rat, she was in for a shitload of trouble.

"I'll risk it." she had smiled, grabbin my hand and pullin me in.

It fuckin rocked. Head-Bangers from all over the place showed up, not just from Sunnydale. It wasn't entirely Heavy Metal, but even the cross-over stuff was good.

We were there for a coupla hours already, drinkin, dancin and gropin the fuck outta each other. She had split for a few and then came back grinnin like a lunatic and started draggin my ass to the dance floor.

"Whooa, hold up a sec, B. Lemme just suck down this Bud."

But she snatched the bottle from my hand and stuck it on a table nearby.

"Later." she breathed.

We wove our way to the middle of the floor and then she pressed herself up on me, rubbin her tits against mine and nuzzlin my ear.

My nipples still get hard just thinkin about it.

When the next song came on, she pulled back smilin and sang it to me.

Foreigner. Urgent. She had requested it.

She was lookin in my eyes and runnin her hands all over me...man, I was so fuckin gone.

"You're not shy, you get around
You wanna fly, don't want your feet on the ground
You stay up, you won't come down
You wanna live, you wanna move to the sound
You got fire in your veins
Burnin hot, but you don't feel the pain
Your desire is insane
You can't stop until you do it again."

I grabbed her ass and pulled her into me. I sang to her

"But sometimes I wonder as I look in your eyes
Maybe you're thinkin of some other guy
But I know, yes I know, how to treat you right
That's why you call me in the middle of the night."

And then we sang the next part together.

"You say it's urgent
So urgent so oh oh
Urgent Urgent Urgent
Just you wait and see
How urgent my love can be
It's urgent."

She went to sing the next part but I put a finger to her lips. I sang it to her.

"You play tricks on my mind
You're everywhere, but you're so hard to find
You're not warm, or sentimental
You're so extreme, you can be so temperamental."

Then she kissed my finger and sang the next part to me.

The part I hate. I didn't then, but I sure as fuck do now.

"But I'm not lookin for a love that'll last
I know what I need and I need it fast
Yeah, there's one thing in common that we both share
That's the need for each other, anytime, anywhere."

And I remember smilin at her. So urgent...I wanna tell you it's the same for me...

I even sang the rest of the song with her. But even as I sang it, I already had a Slayer sized knot in my stomach.

What the fuck was my problem? I wanted in her pants, she wanted in mine, and that should have been the end of it.

But it was actually just the beginning.

After she realized my ridiculous lust for hardcore music -old and new- she started usin that fact to lure me in. She'd go MIA and then leave me notes by my front door or she'd play a snippet of the song on my answering machine, lettin me know she wanted back in.

Back inside my pants, not my heart...but she wound up doin that as well.

One time it was a double whammy. She left me a note and a snippet of the song.

Scorpions. No One Like You.

"Girl, it's been a long time that we've been apart
Much too long for a man who needs love
I've missed you since I've been away
Babe, wasn't easy to leave you alone
It's getting harder each time that I'm gone
If I had the choice, I would stay

There's no one like you
I can't wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we'd do
I just wanna be loved by you
No one like you."

Of course she left the next part out. Because that would be my part. The part she banks on, counts on, but doesn't want to be responsible for. She's such a head fuck.

"Girl, there are really no words strong enough
To describe all my longing for love
I don't want my feelings restrained
Ooh, babe, I just need you like never before
Just imagined you've come through the door
You'd take all my sorrow away."

'There's no one like you.' And I wish to fuck there was, cus this girl is killing me.

Fuckin with my head, crawlin in my heart, and then kickin my ass to the curb.

My sad, sorry, pitiful ass...

...the ass that belonged to her.

I shake my head to clear the cobwebs and press 'Erase'. I don't need another reminder of how things used to be, cus as fucked up as it was, it was way better than it is now. She had left that message two nights ago, and when she came over later, we feasted.

But the next day was a fiasco.

"Eee-yaw, eee-yaw." Cordy had murmured, spotting the hickey on my neck.

"Shut your hole." I whispered, scowling at her. Giles and the Scoobs had pretended not to notice. Buffy just smirked.

"Okay, Jack-Ass." But that didn't stop her finger from pullin down my collar and spottin the other ones.

"Really Faith, you're such a tragedy." she had sighed, shakin her head and forgettin to shut her hole.

"Uh...is there a reason you're running your fingers all over Faith's neck and looking down her shirt?" Buffy asked, not smirkin anymore and raising an eyebrow at Cordy.

"Just playing connect-the-dots, nosy, but I'm familiar with the pattern and where this path is probably leading."

"Is that right?" Buffy replied, raising her eyebrow higher.

"Yes, it is right, nosy, and I'm not just talking about the pattern on her neck or where that path is leading, either."

I pulled Cordy's finger off my collar and shifted uncomfortably in my chair. I shook my head at her, willing her to stop.

"Although that connect-the-dot picture is a tad more acceptable than the other one." Cordy continued, anyway.

"What other one?" Buffy asked, annoyed.

"Oh god. You figure it out. As for you, Faith, get a grip. There's other fish in the sea, for god's sake, just throw this bottom-feeder back."

That was yesterday. It wasn't fun. B and C got into it and the rest of us left. There really was no point in stayin there. I mean, it was about me, but it wasn't about me anymore. So I offered to take Giles and the gang out for lunch.

And they let me.

"Fish tacos?" Xander grinned, nudging a surprised Tara. She made a face at him and then looked over at me apologetically.

"Just not bottom-feeders." I mumbled, a little embarrassed.

"No, I'm sure you get plenty of that already." Red said, actually sympathizing for me.

And you'd think that would make me feel better, right?

Wrong.

I mean, if B's best friend thinks she's giving me the shaft, then that's nothing short of fucked-up depressing.

"Let's stay away from seafood completely, shall we?" Giles suggested, clearing his throat.

So we ate at some Indian place that Red and Giles liked.

Not that I was expecting chunks of buffalo meat and dried up ears of corn, but that shit was spicy.

"Hair of the dog that bit ya, huh, Xan?" I joked, givin him a wink.

"What's that, slick?" he asked, helpin himself to seconds.

"Wasn't it some Indian that made your dick drip?"

Giles started chokin on yogurt lamb and Red almost spit out her sag sumpthin...spinach and cheese, I think...and Xander's eyes started to well up.

"That's some spicy shit, huh?" I asked, nodding at him.

"No, he wasn't eating Indian it was an Indian, and that was different kind of Indian, and I think he's just tearing up from the memory." Red explained, emphasizing too many words.

"Uh, yeah, Faith. 'Thanks for the memories'." Xander punned, singin Bob Hope and squirmin in his seat.

"A different tribe, huh? Well, that's good. So you had sex with an Indian?" I asked, super impressed. "Go, Xander. Pocahontas is hot!"

Tara giggled at me and I grinned at her. Red sure got herself a good one. I hope she treats her right. Maybe Red should read "The Joy of Lesbian Sex" cover-to-cover just to make sure.

I winked at Tara and then leaned over to whisper in Xander's ear.

"Condoms, my friend. Condoms."

He just groaned at me.

I know, I know, it's not always as much fun when you're wearin a jimmie, but if it's gonna get wet, ya need to bring a raincoat.

Everybody knows that.

Anyways, we ate up, I paid up, and then we headed our separate ways. Like I said, we've all tried to put the past behind us.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't...this time it did.

I didn't expect to see Buffy until later for patrol, but when I got to the motel, she was inside waitin for me.

"Hey, what's the what, B?" I asked, surprised.

"Thanks for bailin on me."

"What? You wanted me to hang around while you two discussed my neck?"

"That's not what we were discussing and you know it...well, okay, maybe, but then that led to the other thing."

"What other thing?" Giving my best stupid look.

"Don't give me that stupid look, you know what I mean. She called me a bottom-feeder and you let her."

"I let her?"

"Well, you didn't argue."

"Anyone who argues with Cordy, Buffy, is an idiot. She always has the last word."

"So that's your excuse? That she always has the last word?"

"Well, she did, didn't she?"

"That's not the point."

"Ha! Well, it's sure mine. Look, I've told her to back off, Buffy, but she doesn't think you're good for me. You know that."

"And you agree with her."

"Did I say that? Stop puttin words in my mouth. If you're usin this as an excuse to leave again, then by all means, sweetheart, be my guest."

"It's just that easy for you, isn't it?"

"No, it's that easy for you."

"You know what, Faith? I'm on to you. You're so used to being a victim and a martyr that you've become extremely comfortable being up on that cross."

"I am not a victim! Fuck you. You're the one with 'martyr' written on her forehead! Actin like slaying is a burden and the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Well, guess what? It's on my fuckin shoulders too!"

"And you've got such strong shoulders, haven't you, Faith? So strong, in fact, that the added weight of a girlfriend is enough to make them collapse."

"My shoulders are plenty strong, Buffy. I've been puttin up with your crap, haven't I?"

"If that's what you call it."

"Shit, let's call it shit."

"My shit or yours? Cus my shit doesn't compare to the shit you've been carrying around for years."

"You have no idea."

"No? And why is that? Certainly not from lack of trying. But you have the whole I'm-so-fucking-badass-no-one-is-EVER-getting-into-MY-head bullshit down, that a thick skull is the least of your worries."

"Let's not talk about my head, let's talk about yours. What are you thinkin, Buffy? Goin MIA again?"

"See? You're doing it again. You always do that, turning the conversation back around to me whenever it finally gets to you."

"Go cry me a river, Buffy."

"Go climb off the cross, Faith."

"Dammit! I am not a victim! But you're tryin to make me one by leavin all the time. Well, it ain't gonna fuckin happen, Buffy. Just leave, I really don't care."

"See? There you go again."

"Yeah? And there you go again." I nodded at the door.

"Are you kicking me out?"

"Hell no, just showin you the way, although you should have it memorized by now."

"Victim."

"Coward."

Yeah, she hated that. She looked at me with such rage in her eyes, such anger, that she looked like she was about to choke from it.

So then, yunno...I goaded her.

"Coward."

She was seething. Yeah, any minute she'd be walkin out that door. She was just waitin for an opportunity to make a dramatic exit.

So I thought I'd help her along with it.

"Chicken." I taunted.

Her face reached radioactive red before it finally cooled down. She narrowed her eyes at me and then slowly started to smile, shakin her head.

"I may be a coward and you're definitely a victim, but do you know what else we are?"

"Go ahead, Buffy, tell me. I'm waitin with baited breath, here. In fact, there's a gigantic worm hooked to the end of my tongue just waitin for your answer."

"No, Faith, 'bated breath' not 'baited' breath."

"That's what I said, 'baited'."

"Bated."

"Fuck, Buffy, so you're an English professor and I'm some stinkin moron? I said 'baited', didn't I?"

"Forget it, Faith."

"No, tell me what else we are, Professer Summers. I know you're dying to."

"Fine. Liars. We're both liars."

"Ha! Right, Buffy. I don't think so. The only one lying right now is you. Pretending that this 'relationship' means sumpthin to you when all you really wanna do is bail out that door."

"And you'd let me, wouldn't you?"

"Damn straight. You want me to beg? Sorry, B, that's not my style."

"No, you're right. Your style is to suffer nobly in silence; to wallow in it, revel in it, so you can be the victim once again. Replaying some old tapes in your head, Faith? Proving again how everyone leaves and there's no point in getting close? You never even tried once to stop me from walking out that door."

"Blah blah blah. Does the shit ever stop flowin? Jesus Christ, B, spare me the fuckin sermon and leave already."

"Why, Faith? So you can continue your belief that the world is out to screw you? So that way you're still more owed than owing?"

"Shut it, B. You don't know dick about it."

"Because you won't tell me! You'd rather me walk out that door than get close to me!"

"Get close to you? Riiight. Kinda hard when you're walkin away all the time. This is your drama, you deal with it."

"And I do. Alone. Whenever I get confused or scared, you retreat. You hide behind this wall of indifference while I'm riddled with insecurities. People freak out, Faith. Everyone freaks out. We all just deal with it differently. I have no problem admitting I have issues, Faith, but so do you. I really thought we could make it work it this time, but I can't do it alone. I need you, Faith. I need you in so many ways. I need you to open up to me. I need you to stop me from running whenever I get freaked. I need you to tell me that it's gonna all be okay, that we're gonna be okay, and that you're gonna be there for me. Good times and the bad. But you're so busy feeling sorry for yourself that instead of helping, you're making it worse. Do you know what it feels like? To wake up at night and you're gone? To watch you put on your clothes and leave during the day after we just made love? It makes me feel used, Faith. Used, abused, and confused. God, you're not only a victim, Faith, you're such a fucking liar."

"Whatever you say, Buffy. It's all a crock of shit, but whatever. And how does that make me a liar?"

"We're both liars. I'm one too. Because even though I try to convince myself that I don't want a relationship with you, I always keep coming back. And even though you try to convince yourself that you do want one, you're always letting me go. I swear, if I wasn't the one crawling back all the time, you'd just go on with life as normal."

"I tell ya what. Take your psycho-babble bullshit and cram it back up your ass. Go ahead and blame it on me, you always have and you always will. And you know what? So has everyone else for that matter! Whenever shit goes down it's Faith's fault. Well, I'm sick of it. Take responsiblity for your own actions, Buffy, and grow the fuck up."

"You really don't get it, do you? That was a victim statement if ever there was one."

"Oh, I get it all right. I heard you. Blah blah blah. Need need need. Quit bein so fuckin needy, Buffy, it's really not healthy. Need gets you nowhere...need gets you shit. Take it from me, because I know. I've learned it, I've lived it, and I've left it...So now I don't fuckin need anybody and I'm fine. There, are ya happy? Did ya get inside my head? Now, how about you come up with some clever little come-back line so you can make your dramatic exit."

And she did too.

But it wasn't with words or cryin or slammin the door like I expected.

It was with a sad little face and a small kiss on the cheek...

...and it rammed my gut like a fist.

"So you think she's right?" I question Cordy for the hundreth time. We're out shoppin for clothes and runnin some errands.

Well, she's out shoppin for clothes and we're runnin her errands. I'm mostly holdin the bags.

"Um, no. I think I like the leather better. Not everyone can carry it off, Faith, but you can. In fact, I've never even seen a heifer look half as good in leather chaps as you do."

"Uh, no, Cor, I was talkin about Buffy."

"So was I." she smirks. She looks at me for a moment and then sighs.

"Kidding. Really, Faith, I don't know what to say. I think most of the babble that comes out of her mouth is inane anyway, but in this instance she may actually have some merit."

"So I'm a victim, huh?"

"That depends. Do you feel like one?"

"She makes me feel like one."

"But that doesn't make you one, Faith."

"Do you think I'm one?"

"I think you're one patient puppy, Faith. Having a relationship with Buffy can't be easy. She has extremely high standards, sweetie, none of which, if I may add, she adheres to herself. Battling vamps and demons must feel like a cool breeze on a hot sweaty night compared to being with her."

"She is pretty hot, though." I grin, wiggling my eyebrows.

"Ugh. Don't even make me go there, Miss-I'm-Horny-24-7. You two may have the Tango down in bed, Missy Muff-Meister, but outside of that, you're both nothing but a tangle of arms and legs."

"We get pretty tangled up in them sheets too, Cor."

"Again, enough with the visuals. Faith, I get that the sex is hot with her, but I daresay the sex would be hot with anyone you sleep with. The common denominator being you."

"Yeah? Well, I always sucked at fractions. So how come you never took me up on it?" I tease.

"Anyone but me. Hot wouldn't even describe it."

"Super hot, huh?"

"Scorching. But I think we'd all miss those expressive eyebrows of yours if they got singed away."

"Wooooo-hoooo." Wiggling my eyebrows even harder.

"Very sexy, Groucho. But seriously, I really don't know what to say."

"Me neither, Cor. But I think she's way off on the victim thing. I'm a fuckin saint puttin up with her."

"A lot of saints are martyrs, Faith."

"Whatever. So you think these chaps look good on me? Gonna let me ride you later?"

This conversation has really been helpful. She just confirmed everything I already knew. Buffy's a hypocrite, I'm a saint, and we'll forget about the martyr thing.

I'm glad I brought it up.

"I'll ride your ass if you keep stepping on my toes. Let's find you a nice sexy outfit to wear so my eyes can water in appreciation and not from pure pain. Must you insist on wearing steel-toed boots?"

"Must you insist on wearing open-toed heels?" I ask, irate. Buffy said the same thing to me.

"Calm yourself, cowboy. I'm just kidding."

We have some serious plans for some Bronze action tonight. Cordy and I have been workin on my dance moves at various clubs outside of Sunny D for a coupla months now...and now it was time to bring it all home.

Buffy and I haven't really spoken since that day at the motel. After she kissed me on the cheek and let herself out, she kinda stopped comin around. Not that I expected any different. I mean, our three weeks were up already. In fact, she actually stuck around a few weeks longer this time. I guess her tolerance level of me must be increasing.

Lucky me.

"Okay, Cor. So, you want me to pick you up or you wanna pick me up?"

"How about I pick you up and then you can drive us over? We really need to get you mobile, Faith. Save your money, honey, and stop spending it on Buffy."

"My dollars, my decision. Besides, I'm not spendin money on her anymore."

"Uh-huh. I see that. I'm assuming that mini-skirt in your hands is for you and not for her, then."

Damn. Busted.

"No, I thought it would look good on you."

"Nice try, slick. Put it back."

I scowl at her and return it to the rack. I'll just come for it later. It's short, plaid, and would look super wicked with those white knee socks and loafers.

Who cares if I already got her a couple...a girl can never have too many...and what's up with those Catholics anyway? They sure are a funny bunch.

I mean, always preachin abstinance and then makin nasty with the uniforms.

It makes a person wonder, yunno?

We stopped off at a few more shops and then she took me home. Cordy made me buy a new outfit, cus she says it would make me feel better. Showin others that I 'looked good enough to eat' and that I was 'the best thing on the menu'. She says she does it all the time and that it's a real confidence booster.

But I just wanted to look good for Buffy.

I toss my keys on the bureau and walk over to the blinking answering machine. I smile. There's my girl. About fuckin time, too. It sure took her sweet ass a good while before comin back. But I guess it's all relative, considering she took longer leavin this time, too.

I hit Play.

"Buffy? Buffy, it's your mother. The gallery asked me to stay longer in New Mexico since their curator is still picking up artifacts in Mexico...Mexico, Mexico...not new. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'm not coming back tomorrow. I'll see you this weekend, okay, honey? Be safe, don't slay too hard, and make sure you and Faith take good care of each other. Give her my love, baby. Bye." Beeeeep.

Buffy's mom is out of town and she's been alone...

...and she hasn't called me??

That's not like her. Whenever Joyce has left before, Buffy always had me stay over. We like gettin nasty in her mom's bed and every other place Joyce has probably been. Her closet, her bathroom sink, the laundry room, her car...yunno, places like that.

Cuz there's just sumpthin so wrong about it.

What the fuck is goin on?

I wonder how long Joyce has been gone already? This is ridiculous.

I pick up the phone and dial Red.

Tara picks up on the third ring.

"Yo, T. It's me, Faith."

"Oh. Hello Faith, how are you?" I hear her cover the mouthpiece and whisper sumpthin.

"Pretty good, actually. Hey, Red around?"

"Sure, she's right here. Hold on, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, babe."

I hear more whisperin and then Red finally comes on.

"Hey, Faith. What's up?"

"Uh...nuthin. Just wonderin how the meeting went today."

"Oh. Uh...well...just the same old same old. Why?"

"No reason. Just wonderin if there's a new big bad in town or sumpthin."

"Well, if you actually came to the meetings you'd know."

I roll my eyes. Uh-huh. Same old same old is right. The same old shit.

"Been busy. So nuthin new, huh?"

"No."

"Nuthin at all?"

"No."

"What about other stuff?"

"Dunno, Faith. Whatcha got in mind?"

"Nuthin."

There's an awkward silence. Then she says

"Well, okay...I guess we've got it covered, then."

"Yeah, Red. I guess we do. Catch ya later, 'k?"

"Okay. Bye, Faith."

We hang up.

Well, that was a lame.

Now it's gonna look like I was askin around for Buffy...which I'm not...but it's sure gonna look that way...

...what a dick!

I look at the phone and shake my head...dick dick dick dick DICK!! Why'd I do that??

I eyeball the phone and decide to call Xander.

He answers on the second ring.

"Yo, bro, what's the what?"

"Faith?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Funny, I was just thinkin about you."

"Yeah? How so?"

"Well, I haven't seen Buffy today and...oh, hold on, I'm getting a call." He puts me on hold.

I raise my eyebrow. Oh?

I wait for an eternity and he clicks back.

"Faith?"

"Yeah, still here."

"Oh...hold on, okay? Be right back." And he puts me on hold again.

Great. It's probably Red tellin him to keep his yap shut.

I wait another century and he finally clicks back.

"Faith? Sorry. It was my...uh...orthodontist."

"You gettin braces, Xan?" Yeah, it was Red.

"Oh, did I say orthodontist? Sorry, I meant to say-"

"-proctologist? Pull your own head outta your ass, Xan, it'll save you some money."

"That's a helpful tip, there, Faith. Nice one. So what can I do you for?" he says, sarcastically.

"Actually, you were just tellin me sumpthin about Buffy."

"I was? Oh, it wasn't important. So how ya been? Whatcha been up to?"

"Nuthin."

"Okay."

"You?"

"Nuthin."

"Well, okay. Good talkin to ya."

"You, too."

Super-cala-fraja-lis-DICK-ix-pee-al-a-doe-cious. I slam the phone down.

I rewind the message and listen to it again. I pick up the phone and dial Cordy.

It's busy.

I hit redial.

Busy.

I hit redial six more times and it's still busy. What the fuck? Is she even home yet? And what about Call Waiting? In a burst of anger I yank the cord from the wall and heave the set across the room...and the answering machine goes with it.

"MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!"

Fuckin low-life...playin me like that...where the hell is she?? Her mom's out of town, her friends are coverin for her, and I have no idea where she's at. She really is MIA this time...

...but I'm no Prisoner Of War.

I straighten my spine and square my shoulders. I run a hand through my hair.

Fuck it. I've been through worse. Much worse than any dyke drama that you can dish out. And I'm not like those other guys either.

Cus my name's not 'Loser', baby.

My name is 'Faith'...

...and there's plenty more fish in the sea.

"You having fun there, Faith?" Cordy asks loudly, amused.

"No, Cordy. I'm cryin in my beer over here. What's it look like?"

"Hmmm. Well, I'm not too sure about the 'crying' part, but you sure had enough of them." Looking at all of the bottles on the table.

"They're not all mine, Cor. Some are yours."

"No, Faith. One was mine, and you drank it."

"Oops." I grin sheepishly.

"That's okay. I don't like beer anyway, remember?"

"Yup." I answer, suckin down another.

"How about we set you up with a keger in a nice quiet corner instead?"

I laugh. Quiet? In here??

"Nah, that's okay, Cor. I kinda like the noise."

The music was wicked loud. I mean thumpin. There were tons of people dancin and drinkin and gettin down with their bad selves.

I was, too.

"Ready for more action, Cor?" I yell at her, excited.

"Whenever you are, baby. Just waiting on you."

And she was, too. Fuck, she should be by girlfriend.

"You wanna be my girl tonight?" I ask, pullin her into me.

"Baby, I'm your girl every night. I thought you knew that."

"Then why won't you have sex with me?" I whisper, nuzzlin her ear.

"Because I don't swim that way, Faith." she gasps softly.

"But ya could." Trailin my tongue under her chin. She pulls back her head and looks at me.

"What?" I mumble.

"No, Faith. If I did swim that way, I would definitely spawn with you. But I don't and you don't want me anyway."

"Do too."

"Well, of course you do, cus I'm hot. But you know what I mean."

"What do you mean?" Playin stupid.

"Stop playing stupid. You know what I mean. Now shut up and show me those moves." She pulls away and leads me to the floor.

Okay.

She goes to pull me to the middle again, but I stop her. I mean, why hide? I haven't been practicin all these months for nuthin.

"Here's good, Cor."

"Of course." she smiles, winkin at me.

God, I really do wish she was my girl...but she's not, so whatever.

We start movin.

Cordy took some dance lessons on a cruise she was on. Some Latin stuff. It was a bit too structured for my tastes so we tailored it down a bit.

We were doin 'em now.

"My God, you're sexy, Faith." Cordy murmurs in my ear.

"You wishin I was your girl now, Cordy?" I smile, pressin myself against her.

"Hmm, maybe. But everyone else here sure wishes you were."

I spin myself around and take a look at the room.

Yep. She's right. Well, look at me.

I'm the shit.

I grin at her and she grins back.

"See? Plenty of fish in the sea." she reminds me.

A guy comes up behind Cordy and then I feel one come up behind me, too. We look at each other and she raises an eyebrow.

Ahh, what the fuck. Why the hell not?

We both turn and push into the guys, grabbin their hands and grindin ourselves against them. Cordy was havin a better time at it than I was. She was used to gettin led, where I was...well...

I was used to leading.

After a few asinine moments of playin 'who's on top', he let me take over.

Smart boy.

Soon more guys came up and started cuttin in. A few chicks too. But all the ones that Cordy got, got spun my way and soon I had all the chicks and she had all the dudes.

Not a bad set up.

After a while we lost track of each other, cus we spinned our way all over the floor. Most times we could barely make eye contact, but we made sure that we did when we could.

One chick was so smokin that I couldn't help but kiss her and then shout over at Cordy.

"HELL YEAH!!" I yelled.

Fish. Lots of fish. Let's see what else we've got. I kiss the girl again, then grab for the next one...

...and I get a tingle.

Oh fuck.

"Having fun, Faith?"

Fuckin Slayer senses. I'm either really fucked up or she just came in.

Or both.

"I'm not exactly cryin in my beer now, am I?" I smirk.

"Nope. Life as normal, I see."

We both just stand there lookin at each other. She looks really good...she smells fuckin good, too.

"Whatcha got on?"

"Soap."

"Not wearin Charlie?"

"Nope, just soap and me."

Yeah, and it was the 'me' part that was gettin to me.

"Gonna show me those new moves you've got?" she says, glancin at my boots.

"Aren't you scared for your toes?"

"Not really."

So I pull her into me and slide my thigh between her legs.

"How's that?" I murmur huskily.

"Sorry, seen that before." she murmurs back.

"Yeah? How about this?" And I grab her ass, my thigh to her groin, bending her backwards to the floor.

"Uh, okay...that's new." Lookin up at me surprised.

I laugh and straighten back up, pullin her along with me.

"Yep. And my dance card's full. Sorry, B." And I spin her away.

Now, where were we again? Ahhh, that's right. Fishes. So many fishes...and they're all so pretty, too.

I grab me one and start bumpin.

"Faith."

Go away, Buffy. Busy, here.

"Faith."

Uh, still busy.

"Faith!!!"

"What, Buffy???"

"No, not Buffy, dolt. It's me, Cordy. The girl you came here with? Look, I know you're having a whale of a time, but can we go soon?"

Not Buffy?

"Where'd she go?" I ask, spinnin the girl away from me.

"Damn, Faith. Half these girls probably have motion sickness by now."

"Where'd she go?" I repeat, lookin around.

"I'm assuming you mean Buffy, and I don't know."

"She was just here."

"Well, she's not now. How much longer do you want to stay?"

"Why? Got yourself a hot one, Cor?"

"Hardly. I'm bored, you're busy, and I'd rather be home in bed."

"Change your mind, huh? You want me, Cor, admit it."

"Oh, I really do, Faith. But in my car, not in my bed. How much longer?"

"Don't sweat it, Cor. Go ahead and go, I'm good here."

"I'm sure you are."

"I am...really. Get your honey Z's and I'll call ya tomorrow."

"Thanks, sweetie. You looked good tonight. Buffy's demented."

I give her a wink and watch her leave. I see her hook up with some guy at the door and she smiles, taking his arm.

Yeah. She's good. She was just bein nice and didn't want to abandon me.

Not like the other one.

I grab a drink and get back in the groove. I'm good. Really good. So good, in fact, that this guy is lookin really good, too.

"Let's go, babe." I tell him, grabbin his hand and pullin him along.

He's hot, hunky, and probably hung like hell...

...too bad he's a vamp.

We get to the alley and I let him mack on me a bit. No fangs, just tongue. The dumb fuck was gettin all into my neck and then grazed me a little. Good thing, cus it brought me back to reality. I reach into my jacket and pull out a sharp one.

"Sorry, man." And I stake him. I'm Faith, not Buffy. The only cold stiff ones I like are poured out from bottles.

When the dust settles, I see B standin there...and she looks plenty pissed.

"Life as normal, I see." she says, extremely agitated.

"Hey, thought you left."

"No, just came out to cool off."

"Did it help?"

"Not really."

"Why, sumpthin you see get you hot?"

"You have no idea."

"So tell me."

"Fine. I abhor it when you use yourself as bait."

Damn. I wasn't exactly whoring myself out, but I just say

"Hey, if you wanna go fishin, ya gotta use bait." Ha! See? I ain't some stinkin moron. I knew I used that word right.

"Uh-huh. What else where you fishin for?"

"Fish, actually."

"Find any?"

"Oh yeah. Plenty. In fact, just on my way back in to snag me some."

"Oh, I don't think so."

"Why's that?"

"Cus you'll probably wind up with a she-vamp and let yourself get bit."

"No, that was Riley, Buffy. Keep your fucks straight."

"Shut up, Faith. I'm taking you home." she reaches for my hand and I yank her to me.

"Come on. What's the real reason, B?" I smirk, runnin my hand over her ass.

"Home." she repeats.

I give her a sexy look and bite my lower lip. She closes her eyes and groans.

"Home, Faith..." she mumbles. "...home."

I chuckle to myself as she leads me to mine. There may be a barrel full of fish inside, but outside there's just one.

The Chosen One.

Yeah...that's right. You know what I mean.

'Ask any mermaid you happen to see...what's the best tuna? Chicken of The Sea.'

"Faith...Faith, I mean it. You have to stop."

"So...hmmffffh...close your eyes...hmff...B." And she does. But that just makes it worse.

Cus now she can hear it.

"Faith, I can still hear it." she complains, coverin her ears.

Oh yeah...and she can smell it too.

When we got back to mine, Buffy made me take off my clothes and get under the covers. She said she was just helpin a drunk 'friend' to bed, but I know it's because she didn't want me goin out again. And she said she wasn't bailin until she knew I was 'fast asleep', too.

But I wasn't goin to sleep. I had other plans.

Pussy plans.

We just stared at each other as she stood by the foot of the bed. It was gettin pretty stupid. So I yawned and stretched and slid my right hand under the covers.

"Don't." she warned.

"Don't what? I'm just scratchin." And I moved my hand around so she could see.

She narrowed her eyes at me and said

"Keep those fingers outside, not in, and nowhere near your clit." Then she went inside the bathroom to take a piss.

Yeah. Like she's the boss of me. But I figured a compromise would be okay. By the time she came out I had Sparky inside me.

"Faith."

"I'm not doin anything." I shoved the vibrator inside to muffle it.

"Liar." She grabbed the sheet and pulled it to the foot of the bed.

"Liar." she accused again, glaring at me.

Okay.

"You want me to take it out..?" And out it came.

"...or should I put it back in?" And in it went.

"Faith..."

"Out..." And I did. "...or in?" And I did.

And I repeated myself over and over, just fuckin my pussy the whole time.

"Stop it, Faith."

"Why?" I asked, breathin hard with eyes half closed.

She didn't answer.

My snatch was so wet, the whole thing just slid in and out of me, all eight inches from the tip to the base.

"Why?" I repeated. She said nuthin.

"Why?" Still she said nuthin.

"Come here." I whispered, instead.

"No." she whispered back. But she looked like she was thinkin about it, so I said it again.

"Come here."

That's when she told me to stop, she meant it, and then she closed her eyes and covered her ears.

But now they were open again and she was breathin funny, too.

I spread my legs wider so she can get a better look...oh man, this feels so good. I start movin it faster.

You know that sound your pussy makes when it's gettin fucked by a vibrator? All that buzzin and wet nasty noises and stuff?

Yeah, well, add Slayer hearing to all that and you've got yourself Surround Sound.

She finally gives up and removes all her clothing. She crawls on the bed and takes my ankles in her hands, slidin 'em up as she gets closer. My knees come up in a 'V' and she hovers her body above mine, starin down at my pussy. I pick up the pace.

She eyes move up to mine.

"You fuckin yourself, Faith?" she whispers.

"Yeah..." I breathe.

"Show me."

So I do.

She watches me as I fuck myself, my fist smackin hard against my hole. She looks back in my eyes then leans down for a kiss. Her tongue flicks at my own and then trails slowly across my lips.

"You wanna see my pussy, Faith?"

"nnngh." I grunt, excited.

"Okay." she murmurs.

Turning around in a doggie position, she backs herself up near my face. She looks over her shoulder and then whispers to me

"Like this, Faith...?"

"nnngh."

"...or like this?" And she spreads herself with her fingers.

I move my head up to lick it.

"mmmm...that's nice, Faith." she breathes, touchin my tongue on her clit. She sticks two digits inside and then into my mouth, feedin me pussy with her fingers.

"mmmm." I slurp at them and bang my hole harder.

She pulls away and I grunt out a protest; but she just smiles and kneels by my side. She lowers her head and looks over at me and then sticks out her tongue near my snatch. The dick slides against it as I'm fuckin my hole, her wet tongue grazin my fingers. I pull out the cock and she sucks on the head, holdin the base on my mound. She tucks back her hair and looks sideways at me, trailin her lips down the shaft...down to the base and then up to the tip...coating her mouth with my juice.

I thrust up my hips and it slides deep in her throat, makin her gag and make noises.

"mmmnnnggfff." I start fuckin her skull with the dick. Back in my snatch and then into her mouth, movin my hips back and forth. She grips onto my thighs and then pulls up her head, eyes tearin and gaspin for breath.

"Sorry." I mutter, still thrusting.

" S'okay." she mumurs, blinking her eyes and watchin me dick-fuck the air.

She wipes at her mouth and then raises her knee, lowering herself onto the dick. She slides to the hilt and then bounces a bit, movin her ass up and down. I finger her pucker as she opens her cheeks...teasin her rim with the tips.

"Yes..." she sighs softly, suckin the cock with her cunt. Up and down and in and out...inside her hole and then out again.

"...you..." she tells me.

I pull it back out and push it inside my pussy.

"...me..." I put it back inside her.

"...you..." And I do.

"...me." And I do.

In and out, up and down...inside her cunt and then mine. She takes it out and sucks it again, backing her snatch to my face.

"mmmmrrrwww." Her moans and the vibrator mingle, the sounds comin deep from her throat.

God, I can't take it.

"unnhhhh...need to come." I gasp loudly, raising my knees in a 'V'.

It's out of her mouth and back in my snatch...my fingers start rubbin my clit.

"God, yes...fuck yourself, baby." she moans, biting and sucking my thigh.

"Ride my mouth, B...oh fuck...ride my mouth..." I reply.

And we both come as she does...and I do.

"Mmm...pussy." I mumble, lickin my lips and slidin a hand down my stomach. Morning sex...I need me some...I reach out my hand for Buffy.

But she's not there. I stretch out my arm to reach a bit farther...and my fingers find nothing but air.

What?

"Buffy?" I open my eyes and look at the pillow next to me.

"Baby?" I head into the bathroom. Huh, she's not here...

Oh.

I get it.

She's pullin a fast one. She's pullin a 'Faith' and leavin right after the lovin.

Except...I'm pretty sure I remember her holdin me after...and her whisperin some stuff in my ear.

What was it again? I love you? Yeah, that's it. I love you.

I love you, I need you, I'm leavin, and Angel...

...Angel??

"FUCK!!!!"

I run a hand through my hair and look around the room. Gone. Her stuff is gone. Even the little shit she usually leaves behind.

All of it gone.

I look for a note...ahh, there it is.

But it doesn't really say anything. Just a fucked up piece of paper with her bullshit written on it. I crumple it up.

Angel.

Man, I fuckin knew it. It's always her precious Angel.

I know they had sumpthin special, but I thought we did too. She's such a liar.

"I love you", my ass.

And Angel probably has his cadaver hands all over her ass right now. I know they can't actually fuck, but there's other things they can do.

I can just picture it.

Like Buffy diddling her clit as he jerks off in a corner...

...or maybe even givin her a lick.

"FUCK!!!!"

I don't need this fuckin shit. Straight girls are such a head fuck. Okay, gay girls, too.

No, scratch that. All girls!

All girls are head cases and I'm fuckin done with them...

...fuckin done with them, I tell ya.

Done.

I QUIT.

"Relax, Faith. I'm just playing Demon's Advocate." Cordelia explains patiently.

"Uh, pretty sure that's 'Devil's Advocate' there, Cordy." Xander corrects.

"Really? Have you actually seen the Devil? I mean, besides all of his little minions he's got running around here, I'm not too sure he actually exists."

"Hmmm. I'm pretty sure I'm lookin at him right now. Although the garter belt thing does kinda throw me."

"Dammit, Xander. Stop looking up my skirt!" Cordy retorts irate. She tugs down her mini.

"Not my fault if you're flashin." he chortles.

Cordy looks at him for a moment and then crosses her legs...I mean, Sharon Stone style.

Xander's eyes widen and he suddenly stops laughin.

So I start laughin instead.

Yeah, Cordy always has the last word...even if it's without any words.

"Cor got your tongue there, huh, Xander?" I tease.

"Uh, yeah, Faith. And 'Basically it Stinks'." he says, making a pun on the movie title.

Well, I hope so, anyway...eeww.

Cordelia gives him a smug look and then looks back at me.

"Okay tiger, now where were we? I believe you mentioned you wanted to go out on the prowl again."

"Yeah, I did. And you were tellin me it wasn't the brightest of ideas." I remind her.

"No, I believe I said it wasn't your brightest idea."

"Why? You've been tellin me for ages to go out on the hunt. What's the difference?"

"Well, one, I don't like her, and two, you do."

"You're not makin a lot of sense, Cordy." I say confused.

"Here, here." Xander agrees, nodding his head. "And..." he pauses dramatically. "...she never does." he adds with a smirk.

Cordy uncrosses and then recrosses her legs.

"Damn Devil." he mutters under his breath.

"Hey, if you two are done teasin each other, I'm all ears. If not, get a room and work it out. I'm done playin games."

"As if." Cordy replies, eyeballin Xander.

"Yeah, as if." Xander echoes, eyeballin back.

Jesus fucking Christ. If these two would just cut the shit already, they could be creasin some sheets and sharin a smoke afterwards.

I mean, am I the only one who sees it?

Coupla brain surgeons, I tell ya...both of 'em.

"Well, my mind's made up. I'm single and I'm scorin me some skirt. I've decided to un-quit the ladies and get me some. Why? Cuz I'm human and I'm horny. Anyone got a problem with that?" I ask raising an eyebrow.

"Um...okay. Listen up, slick, and don't get all nutty on me." Xander says cautiously. "You love the Buffster...and the Buffster loves you. And you lovin other ladies could just louse things up. I think C.C. is right." He looks at me and shrugs. Then he furrows his eyebrows for a second and says

"Man, I can't believe I just said that." shakin his head.

"There, see? Even the Village Idiot agrees with me." Cordy smiles.

He smiles back.

"Whatever, you guys. Buffy's gone and I just have to live with it."

"Do you?" Cordy and Xander say at the same time.

Nice, now they're suddenly sharin' a brain. Great.

"Yeah, I do. Cuz I ain't some fuckin loser goin after some stupid chick." I explain forcefully.

"Huh. I guess she's right. 'Life as normal'." Xander mumbles.

"What's that? Did sumpthin just squeak outta your ass, Xan?"

"My god, Faith, lighten up. I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it." Cordy says dryly, defending Xander.

I shoot her a dirty look.

"...I mean, he is the Village Idiot after all. He can't be accountable for everything he says." she explains.

He grins and gives her a wink.

"Oh. Okay. Only when he's bad mouthin you, I suppose."

"Well, of course. Now you're thinkin, Faith. There's my girl." she smiles, tryin to soften the shit.

"Now I'm thinkin? What's that supposed to mean? There's nuthin wrong with my head, Cordy. It's all you head-fuck chicks that love to talk the talk but never walk the walk. My thinkin is fine."

"Faith, I wasn't trying to bad mouth you. I was just sayin." Xander jumps in.

"Yeah? Sayin what, Xan?" I narrow my eyes.

"Uh...nuthin."

Right. I thought so.

"Well, then. I see your hostility has spilled over to the undeserving now...meaning me. You can either consider my opinion or not. My advice is that you do. But I'll leave you to stew in your own selective self-pity and I'll see you tomorrow." Cordy states crisply to me. She stands up and motions to Xander with her head.

She walks over to me and whispers in my ear.

"Your thinking is malignant, Faith. Cut it out." And she gives me a peck on the cheek.

Fuckin chicks.

Chicks and their dramatic exit lines. And what's with all this kissin-on-the-cheek bullshit?

I watch Leona Helmsly and Donald Chump leave the room...hopefully to get their own room.

Cuz there ain't nuthin that a good fuck can't resolve.

And that's why I'm scorin me some skirt. Yep, that's right.

I know what I'm doin.

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. It's a 'need to know' situation." I grumble at Giles.

"That is correct, Faith. However, this simple concept seems not to completely register with you. Shall I reiterate...again?"

Yunno. Someone else coulda said that and it would have sounded okay. But with him it just sounds snotty.

I 'reiterate' in my head...no, on second thought, it still sounds snotty.

"Well, considerin I've been slayin alone here, G, I think I'm in the 'need to know' category." I say equally as snotty.

"The other children have offered to assist you, Faith. I seem to recall you rebuffing their offer."

"Because they'll just get in the way." I reason, hopin he'll go for it...

"Buffy seems to find them of great assistance." ...uh-huh, he did.

"Yeah, well Buffy's not here."

I look at him.

He pulls out a hanky and takes off his specs. He smiles as he wipes at the fuckers.

"No, she isn't, is she?" he says quietly.

"Nope. So, where is she again?"

He just smiles at his glasses.

Fuckin smart-ass Watcher...well, watch this.

I flip him off.

He squints at me and frowns.

"Really, Faith. Is that necessary?"

"Just checkin if you need a new prescription there, Giles. You're always fuckin with 'em. How many fingers am I holdin up?"

"Very witty, Faith. Extremely unnecessary, but witty."

"Where is she, Giles?"

"I'm sorry, Faith, but I refuse to give in to your games." he states sternly, putting on his defective glasses.

Games? Games? I've fuckin HAD it.

"Who's playin games? I'm playin games? I'm not the one playin Hide-n-Seek over here. What the fuck is this? A let's-fuck-with-Faith conspiracy? Where the FUCK is she already??"

"Faith, I don't appreciate your tone or your language. It's a 'need to know' situation and I don't think you need to know."

"What? Are you in my head or sumpthin? How the FUCK do you know what I need?"

"Perhaps if you opened up more...and watched your language...one could determine that."

It is a fuckin conspiracy! Buffy's been bitchin about my issues with her pals. First Xander and now Giles. Who else? Red? Tara?

Angel??

...Oh no.

No no. I know what's goin on. I'm not the one who needs savin. Hell no. Not this time.

I compose myself and crack my neck. I smile smug, cuz I figured out the score.

"Fuck off." I say, with one finger in the air...

...and two feet struttin straight out the door.

"Faith, you look awful." says Red, sympathetically.

"Def-Definitely not her best." Tara adds, agreeing.

"Wrong. She looks like living crap." Cordy chimes in, all bitchy.

"Well, thanks a shit-load, Joan Rivers. How about you, Xan? You wanna give me your review?"

"Okay. I pick 'D', Faith. All of the above."

The gang decided to come over and do an 'intervention'. I had been avoidin them for days and wouldn't answer my door. Besides slayin and bouncin for Willy, I pretty much stayed in my room. Everything I needed was right here. Pizza, beer, and my bed...a nice big bed with plenty of room. Now I can snore or kick or take all the covers. I can eat in it and not worry about spilling and I can sleep in it and not worry about dreams. No...no dreams...because the dreams won't come. No matter how much I try, the dreams won't come...uh, so anyway, you know...I love my bed. And it loves me. But Cordy conned the manager into lettin 'em in and now they were tryin to get in between us. And I don't know why, cus we're fine.

And I really need to get back to it.

"That's super-duper." I say with fake enthusiasm. "Thanks for the critique. Now how about we roll up the red carpet and lemme get back to sleep?" I lay back against the headboard and wait for them to leave.

Cordy ignores me and looks disgustedly around the room. She kicks at some beer cans by her feet and then winces.

"Oow." she says, rubbin her toe in her sandal.

"Hey. I thought they were all empty. Toss that one to me, will ya, Cor?"

She bends down and straightens back up, hurlin it towards my head. It misses.

"Good thing you throw like a girl." I laugh, reachin over for it.

I pop the tab and bring the can to my lips. I look up in time to see another one fly at my forehead.

"Ow!" I exclaim, spillin beer on my fingers.

"But I don't." says Red smugly.

"Yeah, but usin the mojo is cheatin." I scowl. But I'm sure happy it was an empty one. I throw back my head and finish the beer, I crumple the can in my hand.

"Your Slayer reflexes are a bit sucky, Faith." Red points out...incorrectly.

"No, they-OW!" I clutch at the top of my skull. What the fuck??

"-are. Yes, they are, F-Faith." Tara smiles shyly.

And the shy girl has quite an arm on her...plus her can was full.

"B-Buffy was right, baby. She does have a thick skull." We all look at the dented beer can as it fizzles on the bedsheets.

Fizzlin and hissin and damn near about to explode. Our eyes widen.

"COVER!!" Xander yells, leaping into the air. He tackles the girls to the ground.

I just close my eyes and shake my head. I mean, sure...why the hell not?

After the fuckin thing pops and stops pissin on me, the four stooges get up and take a look at the mess...and at me.

Red's got her hand over her mouth, Tara's giggling, Xander says "Wow", and Cordy looks angry.

"What?" I ask, wipin my eyes.

"What? Are you drunk? The beer can just exploded in your face and you just sat there? Did Buffy take your balls when she left, because I swear you used to own a pair!"

"Suck my big fat dick, Cordy."

"No, you stop acting like one. Either grow a pair, borrow a pair, or get back your pair, just stop being a pussy. Now get your ASS out of bed so Willow can change these sheets. And take a shower for god's sake, you reek."

"Leave me the fuck alone, Cordy. I'm fine...real fine. I've been keepin the streets safe at night, haven't I? What more do you want from me? And I see you sometimes...sneakin and peekin...followin me around like I can't do my job. Well, I'm the one who's still here. I didn't 'shirk my resposibilities'. I didn't 'abandon my post'. I didn't bail, I didn't leave, and I sure as hell wasn't the one who walked out that door!!"

Shit.

That was way more than I wanted to say...or they needed to hear.

They all just stare at me. Great...and then I see Tara blink a tear from her eye.

"Oh baby, no. Don't cry, okay? I'm fine. Really. I'm fine. It's all copacetic, see?" I quickly grab an open container and chug down its remains. I crush the can against my skull and smile as I stifle a burp...

...and then calmly spit out a cigarette butt from my mouth.

Fuck.

"Okay, that's it. Xander, run the shower. Tara, open those blinds. Willow, change the sheets." They all spring into action as Cordy grabs my arm and drags my ass from the bed.

"Bein bossy again, Cor? Barkin out orders? So what's your job?" I ask, laughin. I mean, there really is nuthin to cry about.

I'm fine.

She shoves me in the shower with my underwear on. I'm about to complain, but then she steps inside with me.

With all of her clothes. Gucci, too. I look at her, surprised.

"I'm your Watcher, Faith. I'll 'watch' your back, if you'll 'watch' mine."

And she pulls me into her arms and I feel myself start to cry.

Because I'm not fine.

I'm not fine.

Born to be down
I've learned all my lessons before now
Born to be down
I think you'll get used to it

And you just don't get it
You keep it copacetic
And you learn to accept it
You know it's so pathetic

And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
And you don't

Born to be down
I think that I've said this before now
Born to be down
What good is confidence?

And you just don't get it
You keep it copacetic
And you learn to accept it
You know it's so pathetic

And you don't...

Local H. 'Bound for the Floor'...where I'm headed right now and where I've wanted to be ever since the gang left me.

Because the sheets don't smell like her anymore.

My Charlie Girl's gone, because Cordy made Red change the linens.

I let them clean me, dress me, hold me, and pick up my room around me. I watched them as they dusted and vaccumed and rearranged everything so that it wasn't obvious that all of Buffy's stuff was gone.

Except for the towel. I made them leave that.

It's still next to the tub and I use it whenever I remember to take a shower.

Because I can't do baths anymore.

My eyes had followed around the bundle Red made with the sheets and all my dirty clothes. When Red finally walked through the door with 'em, it was like Buffy was walkin out with her...

...so the bed and me are over. It was short and sweet, but now we're done.

I had thanked them as they left the room and then slid down the door when I shut it. Now she's really gone, I thought. Cus the towel may have her name on it, but it doesn't have her scent.

Because she always used mine.

But that's okay.

I run up the stairs and unlock my door. I take off my clothes and toss 'em into a dust pile. I bring out the floss I just bought and then brush my teeth. I curl back my lips and look in the mirror. Yeah, that's good.

Because '...pink gums are healthy gums, Faith.'

Pink...god, I can't tell you how much I miss that color.

I turn out the lights and get on my knees. I crawl on the floor and then let my nose direct me...

Ah. There it is. I found another one.

After the gang left, I had fallen asleep with my back against the door. The intervention had wiped me out and I was just too tired to move. So I had fallen asleep and was dozin pretty soundly, when I started to slide sideways and then hit my head against the bureau. My cheek was pressed against it and I was about to get up when I smelled it.

Charlie.

There was Charlie on the side of the bureau where Buffy used to spray herself with it.

I sniffed the whole dresser and then followed the scent to the carpet. It was strongest by her side of the bureau, but there was some on my side too.

So then I started sniffin the entire room.

On the ground by the dresser, by the closet, and by the nightstand. That's where I found it.

And now I found another spot too.

I inhale deeply and then stretch myself out on the carpet, laying face down on the floor.

But it's not like I'm rollin around in it...I mean, I ain't some fuckin dog.

Please.

I'm not that pathetic.

See...you just don't get it. You keep it copacetic.

...then you'll learn to accept it.

And you don't.

I wake up in a puddle of my own drool.

Okay.

Maybe I am that pathetic.

But Buffy smells so good against my face that I don't want to move.

So I don't.

But after a while the carpet begins to feel rough and rank on my skin, so I roll over to lie on my back. I sigh softly, turning my head...

...and then I see it.

That fucked up piece of paper with her bullshit written on it.

I roll onto my stomach and crawl over to it. I reach under the dresser and bring it to me.

I uncrumple the paper and read it again...

...but it doesn't seem like bullshit anymore.

'When you need me, get me.' it says.

And I get it...I get it.

I musta been too pissed off to see it before. Pissed off and prideful.

I guess what they say is true. Hindsight really does give you 20/20.

Because I realize she wasn't takin a poke at me. She wasn't givin me shit for what I said or mockin me about neediness...

...she was just lettin me go on with life as normal.

My life as normal.

Arrogant, aloof, an ass-wipe, and alone.

She said I made her deal with her issues alone, and now here I was doin the same thing.

Except I'm not dealin with mine very well...just like I couldn't deal with hers, either.

I get up from the floor and get myself together. I pack some shit, grab my keys, and haul my ass down the stairs.

See, the 'need to know' situation suddenly does include me.

Because I need her to know that I need her...

...and I pray that she still needs me.

The End